And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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