i think my tv is drunk
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
