Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
