just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
