My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
