I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Another day, another engagement, another cat
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
