my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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