But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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