I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
