in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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