i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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