I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We have so much sex to catch up on
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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