erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
