just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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