You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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