He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
