Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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