hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
