When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize