Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
