I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
