I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
