I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
