The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
