I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
