Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
