you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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