remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
