I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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