apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
