How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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