After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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