I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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