she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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