Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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