I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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