hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Bring me that man meat
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
