Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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