you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
