I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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