She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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