I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
zippers are such a cool invention
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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