The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize