I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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