The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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