he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
