my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There r osticjed everywhere
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
