Your face is a jimmy john
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
This baby is an asshole
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
