Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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