The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
