Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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