When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
