Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
