the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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