I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
