Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
