I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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