Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I think we might need a safe word for this...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
