I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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